Apple just concluded their annual iPhone event with some surprises and disappointments. The biggest surprise was just how accurate the rumor-mill was leading up to the event. This was also the biggest disappointment; as Apple officially announced the end of the analog headphone jack on the iPhone.
Before getting into the iPhone, Apple announced the next generation Apple Watch. The segment primarily focused on the needs of swimmers and runners. Runners will like the new built-in GPS, so you can have accurate jog logs without bringing your phone. Swimmers can now take their watch into the pool, with a new fully waterproof design.
A challenge in designing a waterproof smart watch is keeping water out of the speaker. Apple has designed a special ejaculator into the speaker, to eject water when it comes out of the pool. The new SpitFit 2 is also available in a ceramic body, which is good news for those of us with nickle allergies.
They still haven't found a killer app for the watch, but they sincerely hope that Pokemon Go will be it. This seems unlikely, since the game is losing users rapidly. We've yet to see a compelling musical use for the watch, but if you can think of one you'll be able to get the new series 2 on the 16th, starting at $370. watchOS 3 officially launches on the 13th of this month.
If They Only Had a Clue
Apple took some time to pat themselves on the back; citing their "courage" for dropping the analog headphone jack. This put to rest rumors that they were merely assholes trying to sell new Beats headphones. Then they started trying to sell us new Beats headphones...
Seriously. That's how this went down. VP Phil Schiller said there was one word to describe the decision to drop the 3.5mm headphone jack: "courage." They tried to assuage fears by saying the iPhones will ship with a lightning-headphone dongle, and then they tried to sell us Beats by Dre. No one making music should be using Beats. The low-end ones are fucking horrific sounding, but even the high-end models color the sound heavily. If you're making music you do not want your mids being mangled by your headphones, nor bass boosting, nor any of the other shit headphone manufacturers come up with. You want studio reference monitors, which are often cheaper.
They also announced AirPods, which use proprietary wireless audio instead of Bluetooth. There's no way of knowing what the quality or latency will be on these. The only thing we can be sure about is that they had a very hard time making these look cool. Unlike wireless headphones that hide the battery around your neck, the AirPod battery dangles out of your ear.
Black is the New Black
Chinese sources had everyone expecting an iPhone 7 Pro today, but one was not announced. Instead they had the usual iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus. Since the rumors out of China were otherwise entirely accurate I wonder if we'll see an iPhone 7 Pro announced early next year. Similar to how the Apple Watch was announced separately from the iPhone initially.
The iPhone 7 Plus now sports some features photographers will like. The larger frame now houses 2 separate lenses, one for wide-angle, and one for 2x optical telephoto. This is a nice feature for anyone dissatisfied with digital zoom, but there is still up-to 10x zoom for when you want to take crappy photos.
That was the only major feature addition in this iteration of the iPhone, and again only on the iPhone 7 Plus. They now offer two different types of Black cases. A matte version, and a high-polish finger-print-magnet version called Jet Black.
After heaping all this shit on Apple, I will give them credit for finally dropping 16GB as the starting storage on the new phones! 32GB is now the standard, which is still half the size of the base Samsung Note 7, but at least that is a usable amount of storage. The iPhone 7 32GB will be $650, and the iPhone 7 Plus 32GB is $770. Pre-orders begin this Friday the 9th, and they will ship next week on the 16th.